You'll Never Believe What Bryce Found

You're the most beautiful girl I've seen in my life
And I hope that someday I could make you my wife.
There's no woman like you in the entire world.
I think you're an almost perfect girl.

You have the greatest body I have ever seen.
You look like something straight out of a dream,
But as good as you look from your neck south,
I'd lose my erection inside of your mouth.

I think that your body looks so great
Because the ugly stick was broken over your face.
My penis can't work if we make eye contact,
Which explains why you only ever get your fudge packed.

If we had sex, I think I might
Have to wear a blindfold if there was any light.
I guess it should have been kind of telling
When I accidentally called you Tori Spelling.

For this to work, you have to do two things:
Bend over, and never look back at me.

Crappy English I Poetry

Food critics have to eat disgusting foods.

Massage therapists have to massage unattractive people.

Movie critics had to watch Battlefield Earth.

Football players have to get tackled.

Musicians have to play songs they don’t like.

Music critics have to listen to emo bands play.

NASCAR drivers have to get into wrecks.

Photographers have to photograph whining toddlers.

Poets have to look up obscure words for the sake of rhyme.

Thieves have to flee the police.

Soldiers have to avoid enemy fire.

Coaches have to deal with criticism when they lose.

Teachers have to deal with immature students.

TV show hosts on Animal Planet have to get attacked by animals.

Actors have to portray the antagonist.

The President has to deal with criticism whenever anything goes wrong.

Celebrities have to deal with paparazzi.

Psychologists have to deal with whiny people.

Surgeons have to cut open living human flesh.

Cheerleaders have to live with some sense of shame.

Geniuses have to live with ignorance being bliss.

Religious leaders have to wonder what happens if they’re wrong.

Everybody has their cross to bear.

I am no exception.

I am a high school student.

I have to write poetry.

What I'm Listening To Right Now

Michael's Fight

Michael looked across the dinner table at his wife Jenny. They had been married for nine years and due to an ice-skating accident when Michael was 10, they had no children. He knew that their tension would boil over eventually, and he could sense that it would be that night.
“Could you pass the butter?” Michael asked.
“You don’t need it, fatass,” Jenny replied.
“What was that about?”
“You’re fucking fat!”
“Fuck you.”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“I don’t have to. This is my house and this is my food and that’s my fucking butter!”
“No, it’s mine. Maybe if you would buy some fucking groceries for once, it could be yours!”
“I AM THE ASSISTANT MANAGER AT McDONALDS! I LOVE TO SEE YOU MOTHERFUCKING SMILE! I DO NOT DESERVE THIS SHIT!”
“You don’t deserve fucking anything! There’s a reason I don’t fuck you! You’re so fucking ugly I can’t get in the mood to masturbate when you’re in the house, let alone fuck you!”
“Bitch, when I can finally afford an operation to fix my severed balls, I will rape the shit out of you!”
“YOU’LL NEVER GET THAT MONEY, YOU BROKE CUNT!”
“Who are you calling a cunt, you stupid whore? I know about all those guys you get with. You’ve been fucked more than an insecure high school freshman that’s desperate for approval!”
“DON’T TALK ABOUT MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS!”
“Why not? I remember them better than you, you drunken twat!”
“Oh, you’re one to talk about drinking! You have to drink a full bottle of whiskey to feel anything, you fat fuck!”
“IF I WANT TO DRIVE MY FORD TAURUS THAT I OWN TO A BAR, THAT’S MY FUCKING RIGHT!”
Then they knocked the food off the table and had sex.

Maxïmo Park Flowchart

Request To See A Counselor

Name: [unknown]

Grade: 9

Reason: I'm out of ammo.

Request To See A Counselor

Name: [withheld]

Grade: 9

Reason: I was told by some old guy that there was candy and puppies in here.